uh oh
oh dear. i actually was like.. "i should update live journal before i go to bed.." damnn. thats lame. haha. anyways. so.. we played the show last night. and i spent most of friday thinking.
that fucking bitch. what the fuck. and who the fuck does she think she is?
then i was thinking... "today was supposed to be the day that things turned perfect." we were supposed to get together.. and she was supposed to be there.. and everything was supposed to be good. i was supposed to sing to her.. and i dont know.
but.. i guess... i do too much of that thinking stuff. and.. as time keeps on tickin i figure out more and more things. and i realized.. i had one hell of a fun time.. and my self esteem at the show definately got a booster just from a few things. mainly the show and the support we had from everyone. it means so fucking much. the last time i was on stage i blew it. so... i was just glad to get back up there and do it again and start the ball rolling one more time. play oliver as a band.. and as friends in the band.. its my life. its who i am. and.. at the party afterwards i realized again. holy crap i love these guys so much. like. i had so much fun. and to anyone who was there.. im aware i was an obnxious dumbass yelling loud stupid things while sitting on my counter. ps. i dont regret throwing the spoon at matts head. haha. im still laughing about it. but steve high.. pretening to be a dinosaur. wooooow. haha.
so. mikes been thinking though.. and i was at work.. bouncing from... "i have to pull it together. now its time to make my war against whatever i have to fight to get where i want to be as a person and in life." to... "i cant do it" and.. i dont know what instills that faith i can muster in myself. in part its the three guys in the band. and how even when were teasing each other and stuff.. i know. i always know.. those guys have my back like no one else. and theyve all proved it in their own ways. i would do anything for those guys and its some of the first friends i can say its mutual for.
ps again. haha. before i went to bed i called my friend hannah. haha. i was so drunk. i thought she was coming to the party. but instead im like "talk me down. i need to sleeeeep" haha. then when i tried to i couldnt.
oh and i got a papercut at work today from a superman comic i was reading. just proves. batman owns his ass.
i guess though i decided today.. things have to change. im still not who i know i could be. and.. its weird. i wonder.. like.. how many kids my age actively sit and think about their life in the present.. and their potential in the future. i know where i want to be. i know what i have to do to get there. im just scared sometimes that i cant.. or that i cant do it alone. but.. for the most part its gonna be ok i think. theres people there for me... im seeing it now. theres a few people who take my shit no matter what i throw at them and they let me know when im being completely ludacris. but theyve got my back when i need it. and it means the world. ive spent 19 years trying to fit in.. and for once i feel like theres a group of people who.. i dont have to be anyone else for. who.. they see potential in me and know i could be MORE... but i dont have to be different to be with them.
i guess... maybe live journal isnt bad after all.. after typing all of that out i feel better. ha. i was ignoring msn.. a guy i know was telling me how much he loves our band.. haha. then.. he twisted some lyrics to make me out to be gay. yet again. honestly. haha. im really not. haha.
goooooooood times. im gonna sleep soon. and theres a smile on my face again.. it feels good. i guess... i realized that.. sometimes all i have for myself is to just sing.. and sometimes thats all i need and it gives me a reason.
and when i was on stage.. i realized. shes not here. shes not who you thought. and you were more upset at yourself for letting it happen.. when i KNEW it was going to. but... i guess i found a new smile to sing for. which is pretty neat.
i dont know how to end this.. maybe just like... hmmm.
as cory would say.
"girls arent real people."
haha which may be true... :P
but they can sure make things seem like hell sometimes.
and then.. i guess some of them have their own way of making you smile in times and ways you didnt know possible.
boys will never be that mysterious. as one.. i guess i can only hope to.. maybe not understand it.. but... accept it for what it is and enjoy the hell out of everything.
that made no sense.
ah well. im out.
mike
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